Go Left

That's the latest slogan, for those of you not familiar with our marketing. It's part of this whole...revamping of our jeans movement that has been going on since early summer. It started with different fits and new categories. And now, we're urged to go left, little green or white or blue arrows pointing the way. And I realized today, as I folded what could possibly have been my one millionth pair of jeans, that this is exactly what my life has been doing: going left.

The other day I read an article (while drunk) that Michelle had sent me over Yahoo! Messenger. The gist was that our jeans were once classic and basic and fit the mold of a certain age group. But now they've gone all cool with different fits and newer styles and even going on to ripped/distressed jeans. The author of the article didn't approve. But we don't care about that. The basic point is that what was once something familiar, standard, and just....there has been completely turned upside down. And now we're forced to relearn and readjust with misguided labels and vague categories. The jeans suddenly betray us.

For those of you not familiar with our jeans...well, I'll try to break it down as simply as I can. Let's start with men's. Okay: Boot Fit, Loose Boot Fit, Straight Fit, Loose Straight Fit, Easy Fit, and Worker. Not too bad, not too confusing. But, see, Relaxed fit and Standard fit made a merger which became the new Straight fit. This hasn't made too many men happy. And what was formerly Loose fit is now Loose Straight, and Relaxed Boot Fit was rechristened Loose Boot Fit and the prefix of Low Rise was permanently removed from Boot Fit, but they're still Low Rise. This is something you're just supposed to know.

Women's is where it gets messy. Instead of the five or six basic styles, they've gone and created categories for different body types. Novel idea, yes. Execution? F minus minus. We got Curvy, Original, and Straight. No, not straight LEG, but straight....at the hips and waist. I repeat that at least 30 to 40 times a week. Then you have Curvy Flare and Boot Cut, all of which are low rise. Then Original Long and Lean, Low Rise Flare, Boot Cut, Boy Cut...and I'm sure I'm missing some. And then Straight Boot Cut, Boy Cut, and Flare. Oh, and of course, the mostly ignored Ultra Low Rise fits. But we don't care about those.

Now just think about it. You don't constantly shop for jeans, and last time you did was before early summer, and you come in for a fresh pair, expecting what you normally would find. And BAM. Monkeys. You got all this shit all over the place, with all these labels which, granted, will easily confuse you because how the fuck are you supposed to know any better? It's getting to the point where even I, who work there, am getting confused and can no longer keep all the jeans straight in my head. And I'm a Denim Specialist.

So I'm standing there, folding a pair of Curvy Flare in God knows what wash cause they no longer put the names on the label and I realize...this is my life. This is what has happened. I knew what I was about. I understood myself, my life....and despite the chaos, I knew. I could look at everything and make sense of it. It fit just right. And suddenly, really without warning, it's all changed. The fit just isn't the same, the names are different, and things I'd LIKE to know are no longer labeled. My life has gone left, with very little explanation.

And what's UP with this left weave thing? How does that even work? Basically, the jeans (not all, only certain washes and for a limited time) are woven to the left. The denim itself, the fabric, is woven to the left. End result? Softer, worn-in-feeling jeans. What I don't get is the mechanics behind it. How does weaving denim to the left somehow change its entire make up, producing softer jeans? What the hell does that do? I don't know, but it seems to work. Though I wish I knew. I wish I could understand what's going on, so maybe, for a second, I could get a grasp of my reality and possibly work with it. Understanding, though rare it may be, can be rather crucial to my happiness. But no, the arrows just continue pointing left, guiding me on some unknown path. One can only hope it'll work itself out in the end. But by then there will be no more left weave, no more little arrows....and what then? What will guide me at that point?

Monkeys? Which haven't stopped by the way. It's more frequent now, and more in public. They've followed me to work, showing up in balloons and stuffed animals. Online, in comments people who don't know about the Monkeys make. In this damn apartment in obscure corners. Still haven't figured out what it means. Maybe the arrows....

And the wall, the denim wall, which I endlessly fold. That's my life there. I fold and fold, each pair sized and shaped perfectly, but it's so futile in the end. People come by, they touch and prode and poke and suddenly my life is out of whack. Now it's not always malicious. It's just the way it goes. People just have that effect on you. They step into your life, look around, see what's there. They say they're just looking....with their hands no less. And sometimes, the wall just messes up while your back is turned. You step away for two effing seconds and when you come back it's like Hurricane Katrina blew by. And no one in sight to blame. Life, like the wall, just goes to shit while you're looking the other way. And yet I go back to folding, with much less enthusiasm. At this point I'm not even trying. Mostly I'm just fluffing, making it look decent so that from afar you won't notice it's really half-assed.

So I pull out one pair that's rolled up into a ball. I'm certain a customer did this. Only a customer would be so careless. I snap it open and it's the Long and Lean Crosshatch Rinse size 20 XL that's been floating around since late October. We have a few of these...not this exact pair or style. I mean, we have a few of these odd jeans roaming about. You get to know them, and you smile every time you randomly pick them up. It's like seeing an old friend and being surprised that they're still around. Don't worry, someday someone will come by and take you home. It's only a matter of time.

I feel like these jeans sometimes. Perhaps we all do. There's nothing inherently wrong with them, they're just...too unique. Too different. And will only fit a very specific sort of customer. So they linger, making it to the sales floor and being stuffed back into the stock room, only to come back out again. You parade them about, showing whichever employee or manager is around to get a laugh out of them. Comments are made, all in good fun, and back they go to sit on a shelf, unnoticed. This happens with men's jeans too. There's a pair of 44 by 32 bouncing about. Holding it up I discovered that I could fit two of me in them. One me in each pant leg.

But I'd have to say that I identify with Men's Easy Fit the most. They're too mature for the overall feeling of the store. The other jeans just look down at them, their cool washes and trendy rips snearing. But the Easy Fit, they get looked at, tried on, but are still somewhat hidden on a low standing table topped with button down shirts. They're not the easiest to spot, and definitely not the most popular. And really, in the end, old men are the only ones who really seem to like them.

Pepe!

This isn't a real post. I just wanted to show everyone (all one of you) what a baby marmoset looks like. Aww.

Lick The Light Switch

That's what the Brass Monkey said to Jaye when she wanted answers. Why do the animals talk to her? Why is she the only one that sees and hears them talk? The Wax Lion told her to ask the Monkey. He would tell her. So she breaks into the therapist's office and asks him why. He looks at her, calm and holding the book in his hand and he says.....Lick the light switch.

I guess that's really when it started......the monkey thing. It seems to be a bit more important than I had thought. I hope you're comfy....this may take a while.

You should watch Wonderfalls. It's a great show. But you'll have to get it on DVD cause it's no longer on the air, which is rather sad. But inanimate animals talk to this female...she's bitter, retail worker, and these animals tell her to do things. Ultimately, through the confusion and chaos her actions wreak, she ends up helping people. It's easy to see why I'd enjoy the show. The Brass Monkey ended up being one of my favorite characters. He's a bookend.....a monkey sitting, in the Thinker position, holding an open book in his hand. Looking at it now, very appropriate actually.

So I met this guy, we'll call him Art. It ties in with his job nicely. So Art, he messaged me on Myspace, which just happens to be the Devil's Playground. That place is so evil. I was a bit hesitant at first....he's a 36 year old guy randomly messaging me, wanting to talk and be friends. Hmm, me thinks someone is trying to get into my pants. This was back in the beginning of December, right as we were packing up the whole house and getting ready to move. This was back when things between Cyborg and I were okay. His profile intrigues me though.......a photographer and art dealer in NYC. Hmm. So, I give it a shot. Why not?

Turns out Art is pretty cool. Just from the first phone conversation I can feel the zest and energy that's there. He's fun, he talks...he's funny. I was pleased. But still, hesitant.

So we move along.....to.....hmm.....after New Year's Eve. Yes, the third of January. I go meet Art at his place. We joke about the dangers.....should I bring a weapon, a change of clothes, the monkey? He said the weapon wouldn't be necessary, I would probably end up in no clothes, and sure, the monkey is welcome.

Meeting him was fun. I had a great time and.....well, sigh, the sexual tension was up the ass. And after having been so long since even touching a guy in any way....well, there's no need to say anymore. NOTHING happened though, despite how much we both wanted something to happen. He was honest....telling me we should only be friends because there's sort of someone else in the picture. He was vague about it and didn't offer much information, but that was cool. I did laugh though. ANY reason but THAT would have been acceptable. But no....they always like someone else.

The physical affection that night left me wanting...big time. So in comes SHO. I see him that very night online. I tell him to make himself free that Sunday cause I'm coming to Philly. And thusly, I did. Interesting though, what happened. This is the guy I was terribly in love with during my college time. And even afterwards really. I guess I kept holding on to the dream that someday.....And so I arrive in Philly. It's been nearly two years since I've seen him. I go to the hotel he was at and the elevator door opens, and there's nothing there. I felt nothing. Suddenly I didn't want anything from him....sexually I should say. It was such a strange revelation. It left me feeling out of place, but in a good way. It's like suddenly I was free, free from that past that clung to me and wouldn't let me move on. I was finally over him in every possible way, and now that part of my past, that story, was over.

The weekend was okay. Mostly drawn out silences during all meals and activities. There was some.....you can't even call it sex. We didn't even get up to oral.....and honestly it felt rather mechanical. In a way it still feels like it's been a year and a half since I've gone without. Anyway, that Sunday we end up at the zoo. Most of the animals aren't around since it's winter, but some remain and others are housed in indoor pens and stuff. And this is where Monkey makes another appearance, one that makes him more prominent in my life.

I found him in the Small Mammals House. Randomly looking around and there he is. This tiny little thing....about three inches tall. I swear it would fit in my hand. The Marmoset. One of the tiniest monkeys ever. This three inch little thing is fully grown, a complete adult. And it sits there, on this branch, a maggot squirming in his hand and he looks at me. Then proceeds to bite one end of the maggot, then looking back. The cutest thing EVER. I completely fell in love. That was honestly the most exciting part about the weekend. A few hours later...I'm on the train coming home.

I find a picture of a baby Marmoset online that week. And oh the hilarity. It's so small, its little hands literally wrapping around someone's thumb. It's so adorable. I share this with all my friends, they just HAVE to see it. I use this as my avatar picture on Yahoo messenger and AIM. And that week...at work, while endlessly bored, ideas come to mind. Characters, a plot......a new novel.

That Thursday, the 12th, Cyborg shows up online. He messages me. He somewhat explains his disappearance, but I'm conflicted. Do I want this to start again? It requires some thought.

Friday the 13th I end up not working. Slow business means cut hours. No worries, I go see Art. Again, great time. He's so much fun. And the tension is once again there. Le sigh. He tells me more about this other guy, pausing the movie Batman Begins, which I'll have to see again because of numerous distractions. His guy....he lives in Mexico. He's afraid to tell me this because he fears I won't understand and think him a fool. I don't. In fact, I sympathize. I tell him this. I tell him about the Canadian and how I held on to that dream for a few years. Six and half years later....well, we'll get to that part later.

So I understand, and out of respect for him, his guy, and his dream to have his romantic fairy tale......I keep my hands to myself. Just because my love life is shit doesn't mean I have to go ruin it for others. We remain friends, which I'm very happy with. But I'll have to say, I will miss the affection. But it's okay. Thinking about it, he helped me. He helped ease the turmoil of what was going on with Cyborg. He shifted the focus from Cyborg to himself.....and then cutting the cord so quickly....the focus was shifted again back to me. So that was actually a great thing to happen. No feelings for anyone, and I'm fine.

So I print out a picture of the baby Marmoset, whom I've named Pepe. I tape him to the inside of my locker at work to bring me smiles every time I open it. More people see him and comment. How I love my Pepe.

So Cyborg and I talk again. I'm not sure how I feel anymore about him. I mean, I don't hate him, but...at the same time, it's really not the same. I don't mind so much not talking to him for days. In a way, I don't mind so much him not being around at all. I adjusted. But whatever, we talk. Maybe there's a friendship that could be salvaged. That Thursday night the Canadian comes on. We speak when he's not busy with work and life. And it starts out as a casual conversation, all good and happy. Then I mention Cyborg's return. And it all goes downhill. He thinks I'm stupid for letting him back into my life. I tell him I don't have feelings anymore and that I have things under control. To him, I don't. To him, it's just another SHO part 2. And I get pissed off, and say harsh things. So does he. He gives it right back. So, after six and a half years of friendship....things are looking grim. I really think a part of our friendship was damaged and I'm not so sure that can be worked out. Sigh, with my moods these days, the blahness and restlessness.....I almost don't care. We'll see. I'm currently avoiding speaking to him, I just need some time to get over it.

So the new novel develops much more in my head. I have more characters, I have a theme arising. It all takes place on a rich tapestry of the world of retail....but it's all about spirituality. Different ways of it and how people go about it. It's about these characters, mostly living meager or mediocre lives, and how suddenly things change. How spirituality forces itself into their lives and changes all. And Pepe becomes a part of it. I like adding animal characters, they keep things fun and you can do so much with them. Pepe becomes a catalyst for the events surrounding the characters. It just comes to me. He'll be, in a way, responsible for the changes. He causes the small, unnoticed random events that cause chain reactions affecting all others. And so I wonder, who IS this Monkey anway?

Research. The Monkey is actually quite popular in Chinese/Buddhist mythology. Apparently he was a type of god. Very innocent and mischievous. He's the trickster. He's the one that starts chain reactions, affecting others around him. INTERESTING. Also, he's wise, he has knowledge about the how and why of life. He's loyal and a hero according to the myths. There's so much to him....so much lore. But the trickster always remains, the one behind the scenes, the one causing the "chaos" that shapes us.

Tarot is an element in this new novel. Chapters will be titled according to the 22 Major Arcana, but I remember. A new deck I had seen: Tarot of the New Vision. It's the standard Rider-Waite Tarot....same images and all, except all the pictures have been turned 180 degrees. You see the backside of it all. I feel this is too perfect, it fits so greatly with the feel of my novel. So out I rush and buy the deck. I feel it would be useful to have it with me. And holy crap. The Magician. He's card number 1. He resembles the creative force. Our skills and initiative applied in the physical world to create what we desire. Look him up....he stands there, holding up a wand, his other hand pointing to the ground. He stands behind a table cluttered with ritual tools. But in this deck....you see him from behind. You see a crowd in front of him, watching on. And behind his red robe.....you see a monkey. He squats there, gently tugging at an end of the Magician's robe....and he looks back at you. Now come on!! The symbolism there, the meaning.....who's behind the scenes? Who's influence is there that you aren't aware of? Sure, you're creating, but who is really calling the shots??

And now he's everywhere. Hot Stuff texts me yesterday during lunch. OMG I'm watching Judging Amy and the monkey (the brass one) is on it!

Another friend eerily divulges an obsession with all simians years ago.

A trailer for Curious George just happens to play in the movies.

He's everywhere. He's all around, and I notice it now. His energy is always there, that trickster that knows more than we do....the one who creates the random events that ultimately change our lives.

And I guess to my problems, my restlessness. My need to understand what to do.....how to go about my life. What can I do to improve it? Maybe if I find the right light switch, and give it a lick, maybe then he'll tell me.

Taking Steps

Okay, so things can't remain the way they are.

That was made clear to me, so I've been taking steps to move things along, to better things. First was the issue of depression. That needs to be taken control of, or I will spiral out very badly and things will only get worse. I've gotten some herbal pills that do work. Through a "coincidence" I found a website that actually seems to know what it's doing and should help as well. So I am taking an active role in this. I know I can't keep going like this.

Second, I've emailed Cyborg. And told him how I feel, but that I know nothing is going to be possible with us. I know that and it's okay. I wrote him really just to tell him that I miss our friendship....and that I want to be able to talk to him again. Cause I need that.

And yeah. I have to keep myself okay. It's something that I have to consciously work at, because it's just too easy for me to fall into the old cycles and habits.

And that's all there is to this post.

I Just Don't Know

Oh, fuck it all.

I'm depressed, very much so. And it all goes back to what's happening or isn't happening....and I REALLY just don't know anymore......with Cyborg.

Things really have been going well, or at least I thought so. I mean, we talked all the time and we made efforts to hang out. And did a few times.

Then Monday happened. He called me on the way home and he wasn't okay, he wanted to get out for a bit so he called and asked if I wanted to hang out. I said yes. So we do. And on our deciding what to do, his friend calls and invites us over. We had previously spoken of me meeting his friends so I wasn't opposed to the idea.

I was a tad quiet, meeting new people and all. Trying to observe everyone and stuff. And they were talking about someone, and I noticed things that were said and how they were said. I noticed Cyborg's reactions and his own comments. It was easy to suspect something; I couldn't help it.

So I'm drinking, which I shouldn't have since I hadn't eaten in over five hours. And the liquor was a bit heavy in the drink so it got to me fast. Cut to me drunk and the guy being spoken of having arrived and me just...kinda hanging out. Cyborg is off somewhere....I don't know. I think there was a movie playing.

At some point I end up with my shoes off in the living room not watching the movie but mostly staring at a window shade cause it was the ONLY thing not moving. People were getting concerned. But I was okay, just too drunk. He spoke to me at times, I remember that....and was physical in a friendly way....not something salacious. I remember wishing I wasn't so drunk so I could enjoy it. I'm pathetic that way. I take the smallest thing and try to make some meaning out of it. Sigh.

So I remember him taking me to the bathroom and then me puking. He comes back. Soon after we do leave. And the guy being spoken of walked us out. I remember him hugging me. Not sure why, I don't even know him and barely spoke to him. Anyway, I get in the car and him and Cyborg talk outside for a bit. Then he gets in the car and silence...the awkward kind. And the comment: God, you must think I'm a slut. I said I didn't. Then it was just quiet. And weird, and I knew. I may have been so wasted that most of it is fuzzy now, but I noticed. I don't see how anyone could not.

We didn't talk. I got really depressed, cause I had asked. I had asked Them to give me a sign, to let me know...to just show me what to do. They showed me, but not what to do. Just what was really going on. I remember nearly crying in the car, looking away from him of course. Then we get to my apartment and I don't know...it's fuzzy. But he said that it wasn't fair....(side note is that the guy is not going to be around for a few years)....because some people aren't the type to be serious about dating...but that guy is. Or at least this is what I remember. I was wasted, please keep that in mind.

I said I understood what it felt like. I started speaking from personal experience then...saying that you ask for something....you tell them what you need and sure, they may provide, but it's like a joke. Like a half-gift. There's always some catch to it and it's never right in the end. At which point, realizing what I was saying, I apologized for not making sense. He said that I'd been making perfect sense all night.

I remember shaking, not because it was cold. But because I was nervous. And drunk. And I was feeling too much. It hurt a lot, knowing that this was it. There isn't going to be anything there, and realizing that I have to deal with it. I don't remember more of the conversation, but I said: I am going to need to some time to deal with things. I'm not sure if he understood what I was talking about. He asked me if I wanted him to call me the next morning to wake me up for work. I said if he wanted to.

Then I left. I didn't shake his hand, I didn't think about hugging him....I just wanted out. I vaguely remember looking at him and the pain there on his face. And I go to the door, open it and once inside I was already crying. In my room, at 3:17 a.m. I cried more. I called a few friends, I don't know why cause I knew they would be asleep. But I did. Then I set up a wake up call for 7:30 a.m.

I woke up a few minutes before 7...and he called. I put it to silent and just tossed it aside. I couldn't take hearing his voice. And he called and called....a bunch of times. So I went to shower. God, I felt SO sick. I only got like four hours sleep or less, without any food but vodka in me. Still drunk.

Half-way to work he calls again. I decided to answer and it was awkward. He apologized for last night.....what exactly he was apologizing for, I don't know. He asked me how I was, I said not okay. Silence. Then he said he was at work and that he would call later. It's now Thursday evening and I haven't gotten a call back.

I've been depressed....then angry. Not at him, but at just everything. The rage is back in me and god.....I hate all of this. I've been crying every night since Monday night. It just fucking hurts so damn much. And in a way I feel so stupid. Telling the story it seems to trivial, so stupid and juvenile....but I REALLY do care about this guy.

Don't think it's love. It's nowhere near that. But it's beyond like. And it's completely one-sided. And it's completely pointless now. And fuck it hurts. I even think he may be avoiding me. I've seen him online since...I said hi and got nothing back for over an hour and then he left. Today I saw him again. He was on for a few minutes and then left.

I don't know what is going on. Then again I never did...so it's not any different. But I would like to. I don't know what's happening. But I'd like to talk about it. Even if it hurts more, even if I'm depressed for longer, even if it makes me cry...I think I have to know. I can't keep dealing with the not knowing. I want some answers to this whole thing. But at this point it seems that we're not talking......so........I still don't know.

So for those who know me....those who read this and see me....please understand that I won't be okay for a while. I can't be. You know, I went through huge amounts of emotional pain and turmoil the past couple of years. So I took some time and just somewhat isolated myself, to take time to get myself back to okay. I worked on things and allowed myself to heal. And finally I felt okay. I felt ready to start living again and going out there to experience things once more.

And the first thing that happens is this. I could deal with losing my home. I could deal with the crazy choas at work. I could deal with everything happening. But I can't deal with this. I just can't say: Okay, accept this and be fine. This is much much too close to what happened with SHO. Way too much to what's happened to before and to what's hurt me so deeply in the past. It's like reliving those two years over again and fucking hell, I don't want to do it.

So I'm stuck, again, not knowing. What to do, what to say, what to think or feel. It's just a huge space of unknown and it's driving me crazy. Sigh.

And that's that.

Countdown

I don't know when I'll be able to post again.

So this may be the last one for a while. I move Thursday, to some random apartment in Passaic. There's still TOO MUCH to pack. I work all day tomorrow, 9 to 6. If it is slow....well, I think I'll ask anyway that if they are cutting hours, please let me know. Cause fuck, I got LOTS to do.

It still hasn't sunk in. That this place...this spot....that room....it's not mine anymore. After Thursday.....it's gone. Sigh. It just boggles my mind to be honest. It's like everything is shifting quite suddenly and without and heads up. And I have no idea what it's shifting to. I haven't even SEEN this apartment.

I'm sure I won't have internet access for a while. I'll find a way to check my email or something...I think there's a place in the foodcourt at the mall that has internet access. I guess I could always get on that. I'll find out how much it costs and shit.

But yeah, I'm gonna leave this at that. I almost feel like I should have some profound quote to signify the change and all........hm....let me think.

Yeah, I've got nothing....

The Gods MUST Be Crazy.

Okay, so crisis. The shit is just flying everywhere.

We have to apparently move out of this house by next week. Problem. We don't have a house to move to. I may just be homeless for Christymass.

Hot Stuff just called me a moment ago. Crying. Some HUGE mess with Mr. S. I really don't know what will happen now.

I REALLY did not need all this in one night.

Thanksgiving

Wow. It's been a while since I last posted. I guess quite a bit has happened, but most of the interesting stuff has happened within the last week. Whip those reading glasses out, this one may take a while. (Or so I think, I had this all planned out the other day on the bus and I was going to write it down so it would all flow smoothly and make some sense, but I got lazy.)

So let's see....hmm. Okay, let's continue with my delusion that Life is trying to guide me and direct me in life. It's something I sometimes ponder....especially when little events happen that make me go "hmm" or just make me stop and wonder what it's all about. And then there are the situations that after they happen, they kinda clear things up or it just makes sense and things fall into place. So I really don't think I'm all that crazy. But then crazies never do think they are...

Should I be worried?

So I met this new guy (haha, isn't that how they all start?), and we'll call him....Cyborg. Which, in case he is reading this, is NOT meant as an insult, cause I think he is awesome and the name is just a code word for him. I don't feel right divulging actual names, except for Michelle's cause it's her fault this whole blog is in production anyway. But yeah, Cyborg will have to do. It does fit...you know....cause of the thing. So I met him...online actually, cause he answered the personal ad I had put up about....three? maybe two months ago. One or two guys had answered but those flaked out...or just didn't interest me in any way. But this guy did. Almost immediately he just seemed really cool. And Hot Stuff (aka One), after reading his email, said she liked him. So I thought: This could be good.

We emailed back and forth for a few days. Then we started the phone conversations, which at first were short but then grew in length, and I was totally wowed. I mean, here was a guy that is actually cool, isn't a bullshitter, and is interesting. Someone I actually got along with....and add the fact that he's friends with the brother of my best friend from high school and the cool factor goes up. Someone at work said that that fact makes the worry of him being crazy a little less of a worry...

And then we made plans to meet. The first attempt crapped out because of a family thing, and yeah, I was a tad bummed out cause I had really been in the mood for an outing, but I was fine. Hey, I finally finished the portrait of Gale Harold in shades of blue that I had started back in August. It had sat unfinished in my bedroom for MONTHS. Well, it is done and I personally love it. I think it looks great. So the no outing actually turned out to be productive.

That week, which was last week, that passed, Cyborg and I talked quite a bit on the phone. I really got to know more about him, and I let him know more about me. So again, we made plans to meet. That Sunday, after the Holiday Store Meeting, which to me was somewhat pointless. I mean, I understood the concept and intent of it, but in the end it turned out to be somewhat....unnecessary. The coolest part really was when we all had to fill out on a card something nice about a fellow co-worker. One of my co-workers actually wrote something terribly sweet and nice about me and I was so shocked. I stood there, awkward and unsure what to do, with a goofy smile on my face. It was touching.

And the WHOLE time I felt like puking. Yes, I know, there weren't any expectations. I honestly didn't have any, except for hoping that he wouldn't think I was a total loser. And that he would like me at least. So we got out early from the meeting, by about an hour. I called him to let him know and I waited, with Michelle, um...dammit, what did he call himself?....I'll name him Psycho, and Mr. S. (I really need to think these names out before I start posting). So then some big mess happened with them, where one was crying, the other decided not to eat, and the other drove off in a huff. It was none of it my fault, so I stay out of it and don't get involved. I just say people need to talk things out, get EVERYONE'S side of it, get the facts, and not let the retrograde planets fuck things up. CAUSE MERCURY IS RETROGRADE PEOPLE. Miscommunication IS going to happen for a while.

So Cyborg arrived (I almost just typed his name). I mean, I already knew what he looked like cause I did see some pictures, but this was in person so it was a tiny bit different. However, I did think he was cute. As Mr. S later said, he has nice eyes. Anyway, I introduce him to everyone and we're off. I was surprised really with how comfortable I felt. Usually when I first meet a guy and am that nervous, I get very quiet for a while as I adjust. But with him, not so much. I kinda fell right into it and I felt fine. We tried to get something to eat but couldn't find a suitable place, or an open place, so we ended up in the city. It was great. We had brunch, which I think was the first time I've HAD brunch. Whatever. And we walked around the city, in the cold, and I don't like the cold so much. Not so much BECAUSE of the cold, but because of the reaction my body HAS to the cold....which anyone that even bothers to read this knows NOTHING about and I shan't impart that information. Tad embarassing, so no. But yes, there is something that happens to me when it is cold and it explains certain....things I do when it gets cold. :) OOh, I do love a good intrigue.

Ugh, this is taking so long. I'm not even half way done. After the telling I have to go through the Philosphical side of all of this. My fingers are tired. So we continue...

We had fun. I personally feel that we do have quite a few things in common. But we also have a lot of things not in common. It makes it fun. Something to actually talk about. And he can TALK. This guy is good at it, he can have conversations. Not like with.....dammit, um, SHO who really isn't all that great at talking. Or like with Cream Puff who pretty much everything that came out of his mouth was a lie. So yeah, Cyborg, excellent conversationalist. So I had a great time. We went to a cafe and then he dropped me off at my house. Sigh. Okay, at this point I wanted to kiss him. I feel I have to explain this. It wasn't some lecherous thing, despite the fact that yes, I haven't had sex or kissed a guy or even fucking held a guy's hand for nearly a year and a half. It wasn't like that. Yes, I am attracted to him. He's cute, so sue me! When we see a cute guy, yeah, we are inclined to want some sort of physical connection. That is NOT a bad thing. Second, it wasn't like I was getting obsessive attached. Not in the least, I just thought he was really cool. So yeah, I wanted to kiss him. But I didn't. I pansied out. So I just shook his hand, which I thought seemed awkward. I could have done the hug thing, but he would have had to turn in his seat and reach out with his left arm and that would have hurt him, so I didn't do that. And that was my outing with him.

I emailed him afterwards. Thanked him and told him I had a great time. Was a dumbass and told him I did like him and about the thought-kiss. It's been confirmed that that was a bad move, BUT, that is who I am. I am honest and open, and I do get carried away. I let my emotions sometimes get the best of me and I act on impulse and say things I probably shouldn't. Which makes me think that posting this isn't such a great idea in case he does read this. Cause now I DO sound needy and clingy...but I'm not! I promise. I'm just...expressing myself through the best possible means. I love writing, it's less messier than painting, and it doesn't take up space. Oh, and it has the potential to inspire and help others. So yeah, I think my being honest and open is okay. And good.

And then we waited. I was gonna puke all day Monday. Haha. I'm so fucking emotional. Most people may not realize it, but I'm a hot mess inside. I'm so excitable and shit. It's how I've always been. I don't plan on changing that. I don't see it as a bad quality. (Hm. I seem to be really trying to justify myself. I need to ponder this later). That night I saw him sign on and then immediately off. Okay. I gave it a while and then checked my email. Sigh. Turns out that the whole liking and kiss feelings are not exactly mutual. He would prefer to be friends and continue on that path. And I do believe him. He's not like Mark who just completely cut me off after I told him I was developing an interest in him.

I do have to admit that it hurt. I'm sorry, I ended up liking him more than I expected to. I don't normally like guys so fast. I'm usually terribly cautious and there's always something I don't quite like so much. But this guy...he's not like the ones I've met before. So yeah. I was really quite down on Tuesday. And this is where we get to the more philosophical side of the post.

At one point on Tuesday I wondered why it was hurting so much. I was just really so out of it. I felt that....hollow gut feeling. With the dull throb that every now and then threatened to rip me apart. It caused physical pain at times. So I did wonder about it. There had to be more to this....and there was. This wasn't just because of ONE guy, it couldn't be. Especially not a new guy that I still have yet to know better. No. Turns out this was a new stab opening old wounds. Bringing back all the emotions I had pushed aside, thinking I had dealt with, but really was just avoiding. Or harboring. This whole thing just opened it all up again.....and my god it hurt. At one point when One hugged me at the request of Mr. G, I swear I just about lost it. I was already tearing up. I was so gonna cry. But somehow I got through the day. People were very....supportive. And made me laugh, and made me feel good. By the end of my shift, which took FOREVER, I did feel better. And Hot Stuff and Mr. S took me out to dinner. I laughed, had a good time, had hugs. It was all around great.

And the bus ride home made me feel better. And that's when I thought about today, about Thanksgiving. And about my novel. It all tied itself together. You get so absorbed by your pain that you forget what you have right in front of your face. You forget to be grateful for the ones that care, that are there for you. And I realized that. I have these friends, these people at work, and they DO care. And they did support me and were uplifting and did what they thought they could just to make me smile. I do have something to be grateful for. And I'm glad for that.

I managed to get through this with a positive mindset. I'll be fine. It hurts, but I will be fine. And I'm glad I refelt all that pain. I let so much of it go, so much of the anger and resentment. It just drained away. I was so exhausted. But it felt good to let it go. I want to change. I need to stop this anger, I need to stop the harboring of negative emotions. Sure, I'll still think most people are idiots...but that's fine. I just need to feel happy and loving more often. Oh, and grateful. I also need to let people help me more. I can't do it all myself. I need to let people in again.

I had a relapse Wednesday. I know it will happen again. I'll have off moments. The door is open now...I can't just shut it again. I have to deal with this and go through it. I'm glad this all happened. The thing with Cyborg, the past pain....all of it. And the new book I'm reading, a pagan one, it just happens to be touching on this subject, and the subject of Healing. Again, and maybe it's my Mesiah Complex talking, but it's all coming together. And it's making sense. And They, Life, is guiding me again.

Let the change begin. (I hope this all made sense.)

Reasons For Living.

Been a while...

There's an overall sense lately that things are just falling into place. It's comforting....yet strange. I like strange. I've been doing what Life has asked of me, and have been up on helping others. Nothing really major though. No suicide prevention, no drug detox...nothing like that. It's mostly just been small things, but the small things matter. The little things that hurt us or make us smile and just change our perspective on life.

Love seems to be in the air....or the lack of it. Some are breaking up and some are finding others. I find it interesting seeing how so many of the people at work are going through similar situations....or how their situations interact in ways they aren't aware of. I am, however, cause they all tell me. But, no, I'm not the type to spread rumors and divulge their private matters, so don't ask.

I had dinner with Michelle tonight, which was great. I needed it. I haven't really hung out with her in a while, nor have we been talking much at work or even online. So I was missing that. Dinner made up for it. We had fun conversations and then went window shopping. We stopped at Banana Republic to check on a shirt I've been dying to get, but am waiting for it to go on sale. Michelle was stating how there's a guy that works there whom she thinks is totally hot and all that.

She wonders if he's there.....and then we see him. She grabs my arm and nearly gasps, saying it's him there! He walks by, glacing over, and he seems familiar...not sure why though. Then as we wander to the Petites section, it dawns on me. Shit! That's the guy that had come into the store about a week ago. He wanted this coat we have in large so I checked on the register and it said we had like 17 of them. I said yeah, it's there so I can put it on hold. He gave me his name and I went to the back to go fetch it. Well, stupid register, there were NONE. I couldn't find the coat at all. Only in black and not in the light tan he wanted. I ran back out to let him know, but he was already gone. I felt so bad....and suddenly I felt worse. I'm sure he recognized me...and he knows Michelle cause she's helped him at our store a few times. I couldn't help but feel he was thinking I was a jerk for what happened.

So I tell her, I know his name. She flips out!! Again grabbing at me. We wander around and she's all gushing about how cute he is. At one point we see him again, across a table with sweaters on it. And as we are looking at some shirts he comes over and asks us if we need help. It's so funny. We both froze!! And it took a second or two before I said: No, thanks, we're just looking. Then as we're walking away, she asks, just as I'm thinking it: He's gay, isn't he? I had to stop and just laugh. It was the pitch and intonation of his voice....it just came off as gay. And we both completely pickd up on it. But we're not sure! We discussed it over and over as we continued to shop, and were trying to come up with elaborate schemes to figure it out. It's so great.

The rest of the night was fun...we looked for boots and things. Then I got the bus and all that. The walk home was great. For the first time in forever I felt...whole. There was just a sense of completion, of togetherness. Suddenly I just felt connected to everything. It's so great. I just feel like things are okay and will be okay. It's comforting, and I needed that. It was so nice out too, and the leaves falling and the deep pink clouds gliding past the deep velvet of the sky.....it just made it all so much better. I feel happy tonight. And I like that.

Reasons for living never come cheap,
But even your best ones can put me to sleep.
What I am saying or trying to say
Is that there must be a better way.
Even my wonder, even my fear
Only amount to a couple of tears.
There is a rhythm, it's near and it's far
It flows through the heart of us.