Thanksgiving

Wow. It's been a while since I last posted. I guess quite a bit has happened, but most of the interesting stuff has happened within the last week. Whip those reading glasses out, this one may take a while. (Or so I think, I had this all planned out the other day on the bus and I was going to write it down so it would all flow smoothly and make some sense, but I got lazy.)

So let's see....hmm. Okay, let's continue with my delusion that Life is trying to guide me and direct me in life. It's something I sometimes ponder....especially when little events happen that make me go "hmm" or just make me stop and wonder what it's all about. And then there are the situations that after they happen, they kinda clear things up or it just makes sense and things fall into place. So I really don't think I'm all that crazy. But then crazies never do think they are...

Should I be worried?

So I met this new guy (haha, isn't that how they all start?), and we'll call him....Cyborg. Which, in case he is reading this, is NOT meant as an insult, cause I think he is awesome and the name is just a code word for him. I don't feel right divulging actual names, except for Michelle's cause it's her fault this whole blog is in production anyway. But yeah, Cyborg will have to do. It does fit...you know....cause of the thing. So I met him...online actually, cause he answered the personal ad I had put up about....three? maybe two months ago. One or two guys had answered but those flaked out...or just didn't interest me in any way. But this guy did. Almost immediately he just seemed really cool. And Hot Stuff (aka One), after reading his email, said she liked him. So I thought: This could be good.

We emailed back and forth for a few days. Then we started the phone conversations, which at first were short but then grew in length, and I was totally wowed. I mean, here was a guy that is actually cool, isn't a bullshitter, and is interesting. Someone I actually got along with....and add the fact that he's friends with the brother of my best friend from high school and the cool factor goes up. Someone at work said that that fact makes the worry of him being crazy a little less of a worry...

And then we made plans to meet. The first attempt crapped out because of a family thing, and yeah, I was a tad bummed out cause I had really been in the mood for an outing, but I was fine. Hey, I finally finished the portrait of Gale Harold in shades of blue that I had started back in August. It had sat unfinished in my bedroom for MONTHS. Well, it is done and I personally love it. I think it looks great. So the no outing actually turned out to be productive.

That week, which was last week, that passed, Cyborg and I talked quite a bit on the phone. I really got to know more about him, and I let him know more about me. So again, we made plans to meet. That Sunday, after the Holiday Store Meeting, which to me was somewhat pointless. I mean, I understood the concept and intent of it, but in the end it turned out to be somewhat....unnecessary. The coolest part really was when we all had to fill out on a card something nice about a fellow co-worker. One of my co-workers actually wrote something terribly sweet and nice about me and I was so shocked. I stood there, awkward and unsure what to do, with a goofy smile on my face. It was touching.

And the WHOLE time I felt like puking. Yes, I know, there weren't any expectations. I honestly didn't have any, except for hoping that he wouldn't think I was a total loser. And that he would like me at least. So we got out early from the meeting, by about an hour. I called him to let him know and I waited, with Michelle, um...dammit, what did he call himself?....I'll name him Psycho, and Mr. S. (I really need to think these names out before I start posting). So then some big mess happened with them, where one was crying, the other decided not to eat, and the other drove off in a huff. It was none of it my fault, so I stay out of it and don't get involved. I just say people need to talk things out, get EVERYONE'S side of it, get the facts, and not let the retrograde planets fuck things up. CAUSE MERCURY IS RETROGRADE PEOPLE. Miscommunication IS going to happen for a while.

So Cyborg arrived (I almost just typed his name). I mean, I already knew what he looked like cause I did see some pictures, but this was in person so it was a tiny bit different. However, I did think he was cute. As Mr. S later said, he has nice eyes. Anyway, I introduce him to everyone and we're off. I was surprised really with how comfortable I felt. Usually when I first meet a guy and am that nervous, I get very quiet for a while as I adjust. But with him, not so much. I kinda fell right into it and I felt fine. We tried to get something to eat but couldn't find a suitable place, or an open place, so we ended up in the city. It was great. We had brunch, which I think was the first time I've HAD brunch. Whatever. And we walked around the city, in the cold, and I don't like the cold so much. Not so much BECAUSE of the cold, but because of the reaction my body HAS to the cold....which anyone that even bothers to read this knows NOTHING about and I shan't impart that information. Tad embarassing, so no. But yes, there is something that happens to me when it is cold and it explains certain....things I do when it gets cold. :) OOh, I do love a good intrigue.

Ugh, this is taking so long. I'm not even half way done. After the telling I have to go through the Philosphical side of all of this. My fingers are tired. So we continue...

We had fun. I personally feel that we do have quite a few things in common. But we also have a lot of things not in common. It makes it fun. Something to actually talk about. And he can TALK. This guy is good at it, he can have conversations. Not like with.....dammit, um, SHO who really isn't all that great at talking. Or like with Cream Puff who pretty much everything that came out of his mouth was a lie. So yeah, Cyborg, excellent conversationalist. So I had a great time. We went to a cafe and then he dropped me off at my house. Sigh. Okay, at this point I wanted to kiss him. I feel I have to explain this. It wasn't some lecherous thing, despite the fact that yes, I haven't had sex or kissed a guy or even fucking held a guy's hand for nearly a year and a half. It wasn't like that. Yes, I am attracted to him. He's cute, so sue me! When we see a cute guy, yeah, we are inclined to want some sort of physical connection. That is NOT a bad thing. Second, it wasn't like I was getting obsessive attached. Not in the least, I just thought he was really cool. So yeah, I wanted to kiss him. But I didn't. I pansied out. So I just shook his hand, which I thought seemed awkward. I could have done the hug thing, but he would have had to turn in his seat and reach out with his left arm and that would have hurt him, so I didn't do that. And that was my outing with him.

I emailed him afterwards. Thanked him and told him I had a great time. Was a dumbass and told him I did like him and about the thought-kiss. It's been confirmed that that was a bad move, BUT, that is who I am. I am honest and open, and I do get carried away. I let my emotions sometimes get the best of me and I act on impulse and say things I probably shouldn't. Which makes me think that posting this isn't such a great idea in case he does read this. Cause now I DO sound needy and clingy...but I'm not! I promise. I'm just...expressing myself through the best possible means. I love writing, it's less messier than painting, and it doesn't take up space. Oh, and it has the potential to inspire and help others. So yeah, I think my being honest and open is okay. And good.

And then we waited. I was gonna puke all day Monday. Haha. I'm so fucking emotional. Most people may not realize it, but I'm a hot mess inside. I'm so excitable and shit. It's how I've always been. I don't plan on changing that. I don't see it as a bad quality. (Hm. I seem to be really trying to justify myself. I need to ponder this later). That night I saw him sign on and then immediately off. Okay. I gave it a while and then checked my email. Sigh. Turns out that the whole liking and kiss feelings are not exactly mutual. He would prefer to be friends and continue on that path. And I do believe him. He's not like Mark who just completely cut me off after I told him I was developing an interest in him.

I do have to admit that it hurt. I'm sorry, I ended up liking him more than I expected to. I don't normally like guys so fast. I'm usually terribly cautious and there's always something I don't quite like so much. But this guy...he's not like the ones I've met before. So yeah. I was really quite down on Tuesday. And this is where we get to the more philosophical side of the post.

At one point on Tuesday I wondered why it was hurting so much. I was just really so out of it. I felt that....hollow gut feeling. With the dull throb that every now and then threatened to rip me apart. It caused physical pain at times. So I did wonder about it. There had to be more to this....and there was. This wasn't just because of ONE guy, it couldn't be. Especially not a new guy that I still have yet to know better. No. Turns out this was a new stab opening old wounds. Bringing back all the emotions I had pushed aside, thinking I had dealt with, but really was just avoiding. Or harboring. This whole thing just opened it all up again.....and my god it hurt. At one point when One hugged me at the request of Mr. G, I swear I just about lost it. I was already tearing up. I was so gonna cry. But somehow I got through the day. People were very....supportive. And made me laugh, and made me feel good. By the end of my shift, which took FOREVER, I did feel better. And Hot Stuff and Mr. S took me out to dinner. I laughed, had a good time, had hugs. It was all around great.

And the bus ride home made me feel better. And that's when I thought about today, about Thanksgiving. And about my novel. It all tied itself together. You get so absorbed by your pain that you forget what you have right in front of your face. You forget to be grateful for the ones that care, that are there for you. And I realized that. I have these friends, these people at work, and they DO care. And they did support me and were uplifting and did what they thought they could just to make me smile. I do have something to be grateful for. And I'm glad for that.

I managed to get through this with a positive mindset. I'll be fine. It hurts, but I will be fine. And I'm glad I refelt all that pain. I let so much of it go, so much of the anger and resentment. It just drained away. I was so exhausted. But it felt good to let it go. I want to change. I need to stop this anger, I need to stop the harboring of negative emotions. Sure, I'll still think most people are idiots...but that's fine. I just need to feel happy and loving more often. Oh, and grateful. I also need to let people help me more. I can't do it all myself. I need to let people in again.

I had a relapse Wednesday. I know it will happen again. I'll have off moments. The door is open now...I can't just shut it again. I have to deal with this and go through it. I'm glad this all happened. The thing with Cyborg, the past pain....all of it. And the new book I'm reading, a pagan one, it just happens to be touching on this subject, and the subject of Healing. Again, and maybe it's my Mesiah Complex talking, but it's all coming together. And it's making sense. And They, Life, is guiding me again.

Let the change begin. (I hope this all made sense.)