I Just Don't Know

Oh, fuck it all.

I'm depressed, very much so. And it all goes back to what's happening or isn't happening....and I REALLY just don't know anymore......with Cyborg.

Things really have been going well, or at least I thought so. I mean, we talked all the time and we made efforts to hang out. And did a few times.

Then Monday happened. He called me on the way home and he wasn't okay, he wanted to get out for a bit so he called and asked if I wanted to hang out. I said yes. So we do. And on our deciding what to do, his friend calls and invites us over. We had previously spoken of me meeting his friends so I wasn't opposed to the idea.

I was a tad quiet, meeting new people and all. Trying to observe everyone and stuff. And they were talking about someone, and I noticed things that were said and how they were said. I noticed Cyborg's reactions and his own comments. It was easy to suspect something; I couldn't help it.

So I'm drinking, which I shouldn't have since I hadn't eaten in over five hours. And the liquor was a bit heavy in the drink so it got to me fast. Cut to me drunk and the guy being spoken of having arrived and me just...kinda hanging out. Cyborg is off somewhere....I don't know. I think there was a movie playing.

At some point I end up with my shoes off in the living room not watching the movie but mostly staring at a window shade cause it was the ONLY thing not moving. People were getting concerned. But I was okay, just too drunk. He spoke to me at times, I remember that....and was physical in a friendly way....not something salacious. I remember wishing I wasn't so drunk so I could enjoy it. I'm pathetic that way. I take the smallest thing and try to make some meaning out of it. Sigh.

So I remember him taking me to the bathroom and then me puking. He comes back. Soon after we do leave. And the guy being spoken of walked us out. I remember him hugging me. Not sure why, I don't even know him and barely spoke to him. Anyway, I get in the car and him and Cyborg talk outside for a bit. Then he gets in the car and silence...the awkward kind. And the comment: God, you must think I'm a slut. I said I didn't. Then it was just quiet. And weird, and I knew. I may have been so wasted that most of it is fuzzy now, but I noticed. I don't see how anyone could not.

We didn't talk. I got really depressed, cause I had asked. I had asked Them to give me a sign, to let me know...to just show me what to do. They showed me, but not what to do. Just what was really going on. I remember nearly crying in the car, looking away from him of course. Then we get to my apartment and I don't know...it's fuzzy. But he said that it wasn't fair....(side note is that the guy is not going to be around for a few years)....because some people aren't the type to be serious about dating...but that guy is. Or at least this is what I remember. I was wasted, please keep that in mind.

I said I understood what it felt like. I started speaking from personal experience then...saying that you ask for something....you tell them what you need and sure, they may provide, but it's like a joke. Like a half-gift. There's always some catch to it and it's never right in the end. At which point, realizing what I was saying, I apologized for not making sense. He said that I'd been making perfect sense all night.

I remember shaking, not because it was cold. But because I was nervous. And drunk. And I was feeling too much. It hurt a lot, knowing that this was it. There isn't going to be anything there, and realizing that I have to deal with it. I don't remember more of the conversation, but I said: I am going to need to some time to deal with things. I'm not sure if he understood what I was talking about. He asked me if I wanted him to call me the next morning to wake me up for work. I said if he wanted to.

Then I left. I didn't shake his hand, I didn't think about hugging him....I just wanted out. I vaguely remember looking at him and the pain there on his face. And I go to the door, open it and once inside I was already crying. In my room, at 3:17 a.m. I cried more. I called a few friends, I don't know why cause I knew they would be asleep. But I did. Then I set up a wake up call for 7:30 a.m.

I woke up a few minutes before 7...and he called. I put it to silent and just tossed it aside. I couldn't take hearing his voice. And he called and called....a bunch of times. So I went to shower. God, I felt SO sick. I only got like four hours sleep or less, without any food but vodka in me. Still drunk.

Half-way to work he calls again. I decided to answer and it was awkward. He apologized for last night.....what exactly he was apologizing for, I don't know. He asked me how I was, I said not okay. Silence. Then he said he was at work and that he would call later. It's now Thursday evening and I haven't gotten a call back.

I've been depressed....then angry. Not at him, but at just everything. The rage is back in me and god.....I hate all of this. I've been crying every night since Monday night. It just fucking hurts so damn much. And in a way I feel so stupid. Telling the story it seems to trivial, so stupid and juvenile....but I REALLY do care about this guy.

Don't think it's love. It's nowhere near that. But it's beyond like. And it's completely one-sided. And it's completely pointless now. And fuck it hurts. I even think he may be avoiding me. I've seen him online since...I said hi and got nothing back for over an hour and then he left. Today I saw him again. He was on for a few minutes and then left.

I don't know what is going on. Then again I never did...so it's not any different. But I would like to. I don't know what's happening. But I'd like to talk about it. Even if it hurts more, even if I'm depressed for longer, even if it makes me cry...I think I have to know. I can't keep dealing with the not knowing. I want some answers to this whole thing. But at this point it seems that we're not talking......so........I still don't know.

So for those who know me....those who read this and see me....please understand that I won't be okay for a while. I can't be. You know, I went through huge amounts of emotional pain and turmoil the past couple of years. So I took some time and just somewhat isolated myself, to take time to get myself back to okay. I worked on things and allowed myself to heal. And finally I felt okay. I felt ready to start living again and going out there to experience things once more.

And the first thing that happens is this. I could deal with losing my home. I could deal with the crazy choas at work. I could deal with everything happening. But I can't deal with this. I just can't say: Okay, accept this and be fine. This is much much too close to what happened with SHO. Way too much to what's happened to before and to what's hurt me so deeply in the past. It's like reliving those two years over again and fucking hell, I don't want to do it.

So I'm stuck, again, not knowing. What to do, what to say, what to think or feel. It's just a huge space of unknown and it's driving me crazy. Sigh.

And that's that.